Sunday, September 30, 2007

Day of Fun Part II

LOL, Ryan's practically dancing around here he's so happy to be going someplace. We tease him in a good way about being like a doggy... "Go outside? Outside??"
But seriously. I asked him to check the tires and the fluids in our awesome Toyota car, and he came racing back inside to get some grocery bags to clean out the trash as well. (I hate that we're those kind of people with our car.)
Ugh, I also just reminded myself about how we have a big job to do with our car... I want to detail the inside and wax the outside. Well, next weekend I suppose. Also, oil changes. Cripes, I just need to write it on the list and not bore you people.

ANYWAYS, I just wanted to share how excited he is about going someplace, but I was also just reminded that today is his mother's birthday. His estranged mother's birthday. Ughhhhhh. I truly don't know what to do about this situation. It is a complicated and sordid affair that involves both of us. (she's messed with Ryan all his life, and me too once she met me. Basically to boil it all down into one nutshell, she has a major narcissitic personality. A manipulative narcissitic personality.)

It's so messy and awful. Really. *sigh* She does some nasty stuff to us, and I have to admit that I don't rise above it at times. Like knowing her birthday was coming up and not sending out a card in a timely fashion. And the thought I had just now of "Well, so what? She forgot my birthday this year."

Day of Fun

I'm a little excited... I have plans for me and my hubby. And I'm going to surprise him with them, because he loves surprises.

It's time to enjoy life for a little while. I actually have not touched my trig all weekend, but tonight I will look ahead. But enough about that.

First of all, just a note, we have to get back to the Denver Museum of Natural Science, or whatever they call it now, to see the Titanic exhibit. We went back in July and it was so crowded. I'm hoping we can pick a more mellow day to really enjoy the exhibit. But I don't think we'll do that today. Actually... we should go on a Friday or Saturday night because it's a little cheaper. But I wonder how crowded it would be?? Well, anyways. I just know that we'd like to go see that a couple more times at least before it sails out of Denver in January. (plus I have to add a few more things from the gift shop to my Titanic collections.)

Soooo, instead what we'll do today is go to the zoo and then go to Casa Bonita. I cannot believe Ryan has never been there. It's required of you when you're a CO resident. He's going to love it. That's one of the several things I love about him so much, his childlike wonderment and excitement.

I have so many memories of Casa Bonita. When I was an ice skater, my skating club would make a fun day of it and we would go to Elitches, at its old location, and then Casa Bonita. I loooooved doing that so much. It was so much fun, and I have good memories of that. The event usually happened in June, I believe. There was a time when it was the end of the day, and I could have a ride all to myself. I loved going on this particular ride because you start off looking like you'll run into a fence, then soon enough you're getting higher and higher and now you're over the fence.... ahhh. Memories.

(wow, I'm suddenly flooded by a lot of memories of events like this. Due to the ice skating and being in the band at school, I went a lot of places and did a lot of things. Also, I even miss my school bus driving job just a little bit because I drove a ton of field trips. I love traveling.)

After Old School Elitches we'd all go to Casa Bonita where of course the food doesn't matter. (and good thing too, it's kinda nasty actually.) My dad got pulled up on stage once for a magician's act. I also remember the waterfall and the cave thing.
In high school the band stopped there for dinner and me and one other guy were kinda left seatless. The waitress was so rude to us at first, then ignored us the rest of the time. And after waiting for a long time to be able to pay for our meals, we finally just upped and left. But she caught up to us. That annoyed me. I'm not one for skipping out, but frankly, I did hope we could that day because of how she behaved. We didn't even get the comp food, like chips and salsa and sopapillas.

So. Those are my plans for the day. Time to enjoy life for once. Instead of the usual towing of the line and drudgery.
(and I'm so antsy now to get back to Titanic! Darnit, oh well, another day. Definitely.)

Oh, and next Sunday? We get to see Bill Cosby!! He's my childhood hero. I love him to pieces. Love him. I'd better see if I could find a coupon so we could also have dinner out after the show.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

yeah sure.

So in a way I don't have homework this weekend, but yet I actually do. Ugh. I'm just ignoring it. I need to start reading "Midsummer's Night Dream" and I'd like to get a jump on my next chapter in math.

But moving on quickly away from that unpleasant topic... This morning I "treated" myself. I lazed around in bed, watching some TV dvd's. Then I painted my fingernails and toenails. And Ryan and I just got back from shopping until we were dropping.

Not really. Actually, we spent a lot of time in B&N while I tried to pick a trig book that would be helpful.

I've been doing a lot of thinking... I need to really write this stuff down while I'm in the moment and all. But anyways... I'm starting to realize and accept the fact that life is going to be hard and difficult no matter what. For some reason, I just have this feeling in the back of my mind "Once I turn ____ things will be easier. Once I get some high paying office job, things will be easier. Once I lose weight I'll magically gain self esteem." Etc.

I want to just accept things as they are and not try to force things. Life is what it is, and I'd like to just go with the flow more.

I have a lot of work to do in some positive thinking departments too... thought changes and all... I'll get there somehow.

AND. I'd like to focus on the good things in life. As I contemplated things while driving, I encountered two cars who were polite. Then I encountered the requisite assholes. Well, I'd like to stop focusing on the assholes and just focus on the good, polite people that are out there. The a-holes are never going to go away. Why do I have this odd expectation of them doing so?

Again. Just let them be. Go with the flow of it all. Don't focus on them.

I'm trying. I'm trying.

BTW, you know those cute little baby pumpkins? (I forget their names, gourds? I dunno.)
I so wanted to get a bunch for all our animals. I called them "ferret pumpkins" because they are perfectly ferret sized! Awww. Actually they are a good, cute size for all our animals.
We have 3 ferrets, 3 cockatiels and 2 gerbils. There are 3 cats in this house too, but they technically belong to my parents now.

I am sleepy.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

how do you cure being a human?

Let us enjoy Georgia. Georgia typeface that is. Ooooohhhh. Aaahhhhh.

I..... really don't know how I did on my test. It doesn't really look good, frankly. And my teacher is a strict grader. I mean strict. Let's say you forget a negative sign in your answer, but it the rest of it correct. She will only give you one point, instead of just taking one point off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure I could just hear about the real professors in the real world who'll chop your hands off for getting a problem wrong. But I don't care. I'm still going to complain about my teacher's grading policies. Because they do suck. She's just itching to dock you on all the points she can.

This will probably have to be the test score I have to drop. *sigh* I'm going to do some work over the weekend to get myself more solid in this #*!@#$%@ trigonometry.

Ok. All that being said, I actually have something else I'd like to muse about.

I admit. Nobody particularly wants to be around a person who whines or complains all the time. Even if they don't have a voice that goes along with the whining. (you know, a whiiiiiney voice.)

But, what can you do? What if there is stuff around you that annoys you? Why is it not allowable to complain about it? Even in a "nice" way? Basically, why is it not allowable to vent a frustration, nor matter how minor or major?

I'm just doing some introspection here. To me... I wonder if people don't like reading my stuff because I'm too whine-y or complain-y. However, what am I supposed to do? Hold it all inside until I explode from the frustration?

People will often say "It's your journal, use it as you need it, or as you see fit."
But I don't know. I don't really have that many people who like to be invested in me. (this is coming from my 6 years on another blog service.)

So what do you do?

I was just making some kind of comment to a college friend the other day and he goes "Complain, complain, complain." But I wasn't meaning to complain, sheesh! And really, he was mostly joking about it. Still.......

I am a hyper-sensitive person. And I just feel all this pressure to be perfect at any cost, so that I will be tolerable to people. But the thing is, and I know this full well, when you try to please everybody in the world, it gets you nowhere and you basically end up with nobody really liking you.

And what is perfect anyways? It's an empty, meaningless word universally.

I don't know. My thoughts are not really lined up about all this. It's an ongoing process. I'll admit, I am in therapy. There is a lot in my life and in my past that has beaten me down.
I just wonder one thing for now... when will I ever feel that it's acceptable to just be myself?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

whine, whine, every where there's a whine

Wow. Last night I started crying from frustration over trig. Basically they rationalized a square root in a denominator, but I couldn't figure that out for a long few minutes. And it just broke me. I'm so tired of being so damn confused in trig.
(It was supposed to simply be 1/sqrt3. But then not only did they rationalize the damn thing, they broke it apart as well, and wrote it as 1/3 times sqrt3.)

Frankly, a few people have had this class before and this is their second time taking it. So they have an edge over me. Others have simply had trig before sometime in their lives, so they also have an edge over me. And it's hard not to sit there and feel like a Yugo next to a bunch of Ferrari's in the class. They've all "caught on" so quickly.

One of my friends at school yelled at me today about how I need to ask questions. I know, I know. It's hard for me to do it though especially when the teacher goes so fast. Because I know the point is they have to cover what they have to cover in a certain amount of time.

It IS my own fault for not asking questions. So how can I change this? How can I make it so I feel more comfortable and "allowed" to ask questions? Grrrrr.

Why do I feel pressure to know everything in the world? Why is it when I observe other people I know they don't know everything in the world, but they sure know a ton more than I do, and they make me feel ashamed at my apparent lack of knowledge?

Why is it that it's "ok" for me to not know my major, not know where I'm going in life, but that's all everybody wants to know? "What's your major? What career do you want afterwards? Where are you going in life?"
Answer: I don't have a motherf*cking CLUE, ok?
(and I demand this of myself. It sure would be nice to know what I'm doing in life. Or at least have an idea of what I would like to do. But apparently that is one of my great life mysteries that remains to forever be unsolved.)

I just don't know. I kinda don't know what to do about myself anymore. I'm my own worst enemy at times. Totally.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

shine on, sunshine

So what words can I dazzle you with today? Dunno.

I miss my gerbie. I've been holding the boy gerbils a lot to help comfort me.

I did finally buckle down and do some math... but I had to rely way too heavily on my solutions manual. I'm "allowing" this right now simply because it is my first turn in trigonometry. I plan on making a study notebook later. It'll have all the stuff I need to know, to remember. I usually use notecards for flash cards, but this is too much stuff! So I have to make a FlashCard Notebook. Egads.

I have had a lot of neat stuff run through my mind today, but it's too much to write down. Heck, I can barely remember half of it right now. The computer is a mind eraser, donchaknow. Seriously.

Some was memories...I'd like to write more of my memories down so I can keep them forever.

And of course, the everpresent wondering what the hell I am doing with my life. I did peruse my elective list again, and now suddenly I'm interested in taking Physics (algebra based though, unfortunately) and Chemistry.
My astronomy professor will be teaching a meteorology course in the spring, and I hope I can take that. I might like to take a geography course too.

So we'll see. I think I might hold off on Calculus I for a couple of reasons. 1) I'd hate to start it at this school and have to switch to another school in the middle of it. 2) Typically for calc I, II, and III they use the same book all the way through. So I may as well wait until I switch to a four year university.

I've just kind of decided to try and taste new classes. Who knows? I could end up loving chemistry, or physics. The only downside is I only have so much time to cram stuff in. I'm even considering taking chemistry over the summer, but I'd have to pay out of pocket for it. Suddenly I have a million classes I'd like to dabble in, and no time to take them per se!
Granted, I could take chemistry at my 4 year university... but you have to get on a road and go for it, otherwise you waste time and money taking a superfluous class in regards to your new major.

ANYWAYS. I'm so sick of worrying and wondering about all this.

I am also trying to get down to what would make me happy. I truly don't know. When I was younger I wanted to get into the space program somehow. But I am no where brilliant enough for that. :-( I don't know if I'm brilliant enough to be a high paid white collar worker.
I am smart. Just not brilliant. :-(

Right now I feel like a multi-faceted crystal. So many different faces and planes in my world, in my life. Not sure what to do.

I do know I don't like "people" jobs. I went to beauty school after high school just to delay college because I had no idea what I wanted to study (hello, sound familiar?) and I hated it. I HATED having to work with the general public.
I have no desire to be a teacher. So hey, there's two jobs down and out. Gah. (and a field actually.)

Random: I had a dream I had my hair cut by a blind person last night. Oddness.

Why does it have to be so hard to not compare yourself to others?

How can I possibly drink as much water as I should, when I can't be leaving class every 15 minutes to hit the head?

I can honestly see how it's possible to leave college knowing less than you did when you went in. I feel that way everyday.

PS. Wanna know what I did? I erased all RAM from my graphing calculator. Good going, Shannon. Now I have to work on downloading stuff back onto it. Idjit.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Rest in peace darling

Well, one of our gerbils, Molly, passed away. Thursday 9/20. Early in the morning, in my hands. I've been brokenhearted ever since of course. We buried her in the backyard next to her sisters and mother. It's a pretty nice resting place actually. I'm still so very sad.
Priscilla is the mommy gerbil. She had 5 babies. 3 girls and 2 boys. The girls: Leia, Holly and Molly. They were identical twins. Molly is the last girl we had. We still have the boys, Storm (for stormtrooper because he was Leia's fraternal twin) and Teddy because he has big teddy bear ears.

I just want to add something. I am currently trying to lose weight. I just started again last week. At the beginning of this year I tried to lose weight and I was starting to be successful. Then some other animal emergencies came up, with one of my ferrets, and all bets were off.
It's taken me until now when I could get my willpower back and get back on the horse, so to speak.
However, this recent death really got to me and so yesterday I didn't care about the diet again. But that's okay. I actually made decent choices about breaking my diet. Instead of going to a restaurant or fast food joint, we went to the grocery store and bought a few things. But I made better choices than I normally do.

Today/tomorrow I'll get back to it. I haven't added in exercise yet anyways, so that's my plan for next week. Anyhow, I say all this because basically, I want to lose weight. And I want to triumphantly announce my weight loss successes here. So now you know. And even though I kinda "messed up" yesterday and a little bit for today, I will not let this deter me. I even weighed myself this morning and I've lost two pounds so far. I will keep this up.

I checked out 3 books yesterday from the college library. My mind was still on my grieving about my gerbil, Molly, so I was startled when the librarian said "Going to have a fun weekend, huh?" Then I realized I'm checking out 3 books that deal with trigonometry. Yee Haw.

However, I'm still just... eh. I still have to find my motivation, especially after my recent loss of a sweet animal. But I'll make myself. I even skipped a class yesterday which is fairly unlike me. I'm a good studious student and I know how important it is to be there for class. But the human in me just couldn't take it. I was sad, depressed and I'm just tired of school in general anyways.

Next week is going to suck. I have a math test on Wednesday, an astronomy test on Thursday morning and an essay exam for literature Thursday afternoon. I suppose the upside to all this is a homework free weekend basically! Still.... grrrrrrr.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

gimme strength

Oh jeez. I just need the strength or... will... the determination... I know there's a word I'm looking for but it's not coming to me. Wednesdays are really hard for me anyways. First I have my 2.5 hour math class. Then I have 3 hours of math tutoring a specific class. THEN I have 2 hours in the math lab helping random boneheads. All in a row.

I do like all this, but it can be a bit rough. It's about 7 or 8 hours of straight math time.
Tonight wasn't that bad. There are quite a few people I actually enjoy being around, which is nice. But I'm still worn out mentally.

Maybe I might just keep my math major. I don't know. I'm sort of talking myself out of it before I even really try. :-( I'm just worried about calculus. And beyond. Oy. But I'm still rather enjoying math. I just have to take it one day at a time. And find good teachers, that can make a big difference. But it's hard to find good teachers sometimes. :-(

Well anywhoooo. I have a lot of work ahead of me this weekend. I simply MUST get my act together in studying for my math test that is in one week. I have 7 sections of homework, and I think I'll have to do it all twice for the practice. I just need to find my motivation.
My last test was regraded and now I have an 85%. That honestly is a lot better than I thought I would do. I was so worried about that test. So if I could just get my mind on it, I should shoot for an A on this next test. Don't give up, Shannon, don't give up.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

try and go around the wall

Well, now. I found out something interesting today. This trigonometry I'm having to take in my math class is actually a condensed, harder version than college trig. They took a 16 week course and crammed it into 4 weeks, and also made it a degree harder than the 16 week course.

No wonder! Sheesh. I may have to go out and buy "trig for dummies", which I hate to do but if it'll help... I'm just kind tired. I know this is college, but I am sick of having to pay these tuition prices only to teach myself math. :-(

I'm going to look into other fields of course. I asked about meteorology, and my professor said he'll try and find some information for me. He also mentioned that he thing Geography would be an exciting course to go into. Hmmmm! It sounded good the way he talked it up. This professor is a meteorologist who teaches a lot of science courses including, but not limited to, astronomy, geography, meteorology, physics... He knows his stuff, dangit. I'm intimidated by people like him!

A classmate mentioned actuary careers. I'm going to research that as soon as I'm done writing this.

I don't know.

I do know one thing. I am just dang tired of math right now. I'm burnt out. I'm totally ignoring my homework right now.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Let your geek hang out

Ok. I'm tickled to have my first comment. Tee hee. I've got to get my name spread out on the people's blogs who I usually frequent, so they too can waste time reading my posts. It sure took me long enough to decide to have this kind of website, instead of the other service I was using.

(and uh, please forgive me while I have my learning curve of this site.)

Soooo, back to trig. I am starting to get it, and sadly, it is exciting to me. (though hard!) I had to use identities today and I was so happy and proud of myself when I got one right all by myself. It's just a lot of information to take in all at once when you've never had trig before. I'm slowly getting there. Although I did have a headache earlier today. Trig can = a headache for sure.

I talked at length to an old friend today about my future. She suggested architecture. I'm taking astronomy this semester as well, and my astronomy professor is also a meteorologist. I emailed him last night requesting a meeting with him, and I just got an email back saying that we should talk in class tomorrow to set up a time. Now I just have to figure out what to ask him about meteorology.

I have to admit something. I wonder if I have the brains for all of this kind of stuff*. For some reason I just worry that I don't have the gift of real brains for dealing with highly critical thinking professions. *sigh* That is also a problem for me... my self confidence. The problem is that I have none. Or next to none. I need to work on this as well, but dangit... the fear, it's scary.
(*um, by "this kind of stuff" I'm meaning the maths and sciences. AS and BS degrees.)

I went to college in 1998, and I just kinda randomly chose TV and Film Production. I did enjoy it, but then my advisor lead me astray with the advising, I got pissed off and fed up, and quit. Besides, I had my doubts I wanted to really be in that kind of field. Especially in my city.

When I made the decision to go back to college last year, I had only a few classes that would work for a new major. The TV major was only an Associate of Applied Science. Those don't transfer to 4 year universities. So I had to switch to either an AA or AS degree. First I randomly (again) decided psychology. Kinda the fall back major for a lot of people. I knew I really probably didn't want to pursue that any further. Meanwhile, in my math class, I kept earning 100% on tests and I had the highest grade in class. I did finally discover for myself that I enjoyed math.

Hence, my major in math right now. I just don't know if I really want to keep on that line though. It might be nice to actually go into a career field. I'm considering as many as I can, but yet I know there has to be more out there I'm not aware of. And how the heck do you choose these careers? Or at least get a major that is highly tolerable for you so college isn't worse than a rectal exam with sandpaper gloves.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

A few hours later...

Well, I just wanted to make a new post about how I worked for about 4 hours today on trig, and things are better. I believe I will start really liking it, but there is a lot to take in for your first time with it. Lots of things to memorize and try to get straight in your head. I'm not even there yet, but I've begun to climb the mountain.

I will be graduating from this crappy community college next spring. I'm trying to figure out what school I want to transfer to afterwards. I really don't know.

And what I really don't know is what my major or emphasis will be. Currently I am declared a math major. I do enjoy it, despite how rough it can be. I'm worried that soon it will become immensely difficult and scary. Who knows.

My main point is this. I don't know what I want to do. It's scary. How the hell do people figure out what they want to do? How do people manage to do only 4 years for a bachelor degree, when you hear all the time "It's common for people to not know what major they want to pick. And they change their major an average of 5 times."

I do not want to get into this right now, but I want to mention something. How do I become an adult? I feel like I never really got a normal teenage life and now I don't have a normal adult life. I know, I know, define normal. Well, normal is what it seems like the majority does. Go to school, get a degree, get a job/career. Get married. Have kids. Buy a house. Have random and fun life experiences in-between.

I feel like I haven't lived yet. I don't know how other people do "it".

Again, another day I'll talk more about this. Try to sort out my thoughts and feelings, as that's what journaling is supposed to do.

PS. The only solace about Sunday night, which begins another week of crappity crap, is that most everybody else is having to suffer too! Kinda like "A case of the Mondays" from Office Space, but for me it's more of "A case of the Sunday Night Blues."

PPS. I have to STOP comparing myself to others! This is something I've learned about in therapy, and it just has to stop. It's so hard to stop though. :-(

Boredom Come

I really don't have anything to say right now... I'm just a little bored and procrastinating on doing my math homework. I'm dealing with trigonometry for the first time ever and it's a bit daunting. Doesn't help when there's a couple of people in your class who have taken the class before and therefore know all the answers. So then the teacher doesn't really slow down for the rest of us.
ETA: And it's just slightly annoying when certain people brag about their accomplishments in trig, meanwhile acting so bewildered at how you can possibly be standing upright and yet not have encountered trig before in life. It can happen. Stop being so judgmental and offensive about it. This is sadly from my other blog that I use all the time, and stuff like this has driven me to the need of change from it. I know I am being a bit over-sensitive about this, but it's rude to belittle others.

Irregardless... I still have to work hard on my own, and I'm trying. I'm really trying. But I'm not really getting it yet. Sucks.

I worry about one of my ferrets. There's a very long story behind this boy, but the problem right now is his ears. One vet diagnosed him having a yeast infection in his ears due to a food allergy. Or some other kind of allergy. We're trying hard to pin it down, but it's very hard to pin allergies down. *sigh* I just want to make it all better for him!!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Testing

The very first oh-so-sexy post.
But I do have to figure out what I'm doing around here. Blogger is new to me.
BTW, I originally wrote Blooger. Let that be a new term!